By Maria Belen Field Lira
This blog is a summary of our published article: Muise, A., Kim, J. J., Impett, E. A., & Rosen, N. O. (2017). Understanding when a partner is not in the mood: Sexual communal strength in couples transitioning to parenthood. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46, 1993-2006. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-016-0920-2
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After nine months of pregnancy, it’s finally the big day. Congratulations, you are now new parents! You feel the excitement of holding your baby in you arms and introducing your newborn child to your family. However, you’ve realised that it is more tiring than you thought. One night, your partner lets you know that they’re interested in having sex, but you’re exhausted. Do you: engage in a sexual activity even if you are not “in the mood” or decline your partner’ advances?
Couples experience significant changes in sexuality during transition to parenthood. [1] You may be wondering; how can you navigate this challenge and preserve your relationship’s well-being?
Researchers have found that if you are someone with a high motivation to respond to your romantic partner’s sexual needs, both of you will tend to experience greater sexual and relationship satisfaction (e.g., a very pleasant overall sexual relationship and a warm and comfortable relationship with you partner). [2] However, previous research has exclusively focused on relationship impacts when you respond to your partner’s sexual needs and decide to engage in sex. The motivation to understand your partner’s needs when you are experiencing sexual disinterest has not yet been explored. Understanding the motivation to respond to partner’s needs is important because the way that a person responds to their partner’s sexual needs influences their sexual life and relationship quality. [2] This is particularly true when a couples’ sex life is undergoing changes, such as the transition to parenthood.
What did we do?
Considering the lack of research on couples’ motivation to be understanding about their partner’s disinterest to have sex during transition to parenthood, we conducted two studies:
Study 1:
We developed a new measure to evaluate the motivation to be understanding about a partner’s need not to have sex (e.g., when your partner does not desire sex, how likely are you to sacrifice your own needs for sex for your partner’s needs). We used a sample of 185 individuals in relationships. The motivation to be understanding about a partner’s need not to have sex was measured in one survey. We then tested if people that were more motived would respond more positively to an imagined scenario in which their partner declines their sexual advances.
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Study 2:
We wanted to test if the motivation to meet a partner’s need to have sex and the motivation to be understanding about a partner’s need not to have sex were linked with sexual satisfaction and the quality of the relationship among couples transitioning to parenthood. We used a sample of 255 mixed-sex couples who were first-time parents. They completed an online survey, which included questions about the motivation to be understanding about a partner’s need to have sex and not to have sex.
What did we find?
- If you are a partner that is highly motivated to understand when your partner is not in the mood to have sex, you could more easily accept your partner’s decision to decline your sexual advances and feel more satisfied with your relationship.
- If you are a new mother or father who is highly motivated to meet your partner’s need to have sex, you could feel more satisfied sexually and in your relationship.
- If you are a mother that is highly motivated to meet your partner’s need to have sex, your partner may report higher relationship quality.
- If you are a mother that is highly motivated to understand when your partner is not in the mood to have sex, you may report higher relationship quality.
- If you are a father who is highly motivated to understand when your partner is not in the mood to have sex, you may feel more satisfied in your relationship. You may also have a partner that reports higher sexual satisfaction and relationship quality.
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Why is this important?
These studies aimed to explore and emphasize the importance of partners understanding each other’s sexual needs during the transition to parenthood. Knowing that being highly motivated to understand partner’s sexual needs impacts the relationship’s well being, clinicians could try to encourage couples to be mindful about them. That can be by engaging in sex when it’s possible, but also to be understanding when a partner does not want to engage in sexual activities. Talking about sexual expectations in therapy and helping partners understand each other’s sexual needs could help couple’s well being by increasing sexual and relationship satisfaction, specifically during the transition to parenthood.
References
[1] Rossi, M. A., Impett, E. A., Dawson, S. J., Vannier, S., Kim, J., & Rosen, N. O. (2022). A Longitudinal Investigation of Couples’ Sexual Growth and Destiny Beliefs in the Transition to Parenthood. Archives of sexual behavior, 51 , 1559–1575. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-02267-3
[2] Muise,A., & Impett, E. A. (2016). Applying theories of communal motivation to sexuality. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 10, 455. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12261
